My Own Experience

Stealing Light From Tomorrow

2007-01-16T22:41:00.000-06:00

A couple weeks ago, I read ahead a couple days in Daily Reflections (the only official AA daily reader). The next morning, I remembered that I had already read that day's selection. So I skipped it.

There was so much I wanted to do that day, I also skipped my daily quiet time. I prayed here and there, but took absolutely no time to seek God's direction for my day - the essence of twelve step life.

The day went OK, but mid-afternoon I had a moment of passive-aggressive retaliation in a situation I usually navigate without thinking about it. I went to a meeting a few hours later, feeling terrible for my attitude and not feeling very good about myself. The self-pity in which I was indulging further revealed my spiritual condition.

Turns out, the topic was read from Daily Reflections and I had been living the topic all day. Since I wouldn't read it, I guess I had to get the lesson anyway.

After the meeting, I was talking about my day with a man who said that I should be careful about "stealing light from tomorrow" (or something like that). That line has stayed with me since and I'm beginning to see the wisdom in it.

There's more to it than can be shared in a few paragraphs, but it has worked enough open-mindedness to show that I am seeking spiritual strength for tomorrow. Despite my insistence that we live one day at a time and can't depend on yesterday's spiritual life, I am trying to save up for tomorrow. Manna doesn't keep; it's a mother's milk for today's needs.

Just enough light for this part of the path, that's all I need and all I should ask for: the knowledge of God's will and the power to carry that out.

In The Early Days

2006-10-16T23:58:00.000-05:00

I'm often told that in the early days of recovery people need to focus on themselves. Go to meetings, find a sponsor, read the Big Book. These are good things to do, but that's not all!

Bill did none of these in his early days of recovery. Bob didn't do these things either, aside from co-sponsorship with Bill (meaning they sponsored each other). How did they stay sober in the early days of their recovery, when they didn't have even a week sober? They worked intensively with other alcoholics.

The great secret of how they stayed sober comes back to this:

"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail." - Page 89, Alcoholics Anonymous

Yes, a spiritual awakening was necessary, but most of their experiences developed "slowly over a period of time" (Appendix II). Waiting around for the "miracle to happen" wasn't an option for them if they wanted to stay sober. They had to engage in "strenuous", "intensive" work with other alcoholics.

"It is much more than a sense of duty, however, which provides the requisite driving power and harmony so necessary for success. One powerful factor is that of self-preservation. These ex-alcoholics frequently find that unless they spend time helping others to health they cannot stay sober themselves. Strenuous, almost sacrificial work for other sufferers is often imperative in the early days of their recovery. This effort proceeds entirely on a good will basis. It is an avocation." - Dr. Silkworth (who wrote an entire section of the Big Book called "The Doctor's Opinion")

If not for working intensely with others, I'd not be sober today. If you're waiting around for someone to ask you to sponsor them, you're missing the point. There are endless people to work with if you seek them out. Start with your local intergroup. If you don't have a local intergroup, write me and I'll put you in touch with someone in your fellowship who will help you along.

Faith

2006-01-15T13:00:00.000-06:00

In my experience, people who begin this way of life with an existing faith have more trouble than those who have only a willingness to acquire faith. A person without faith needs only to become willing to believe. A person with faith needs to become willing to abandon his prior faith before he can proceed.

Another observation I've made is that these 'people of faith' will often stumble on step one because of their faith. "I must... I'm required to... God won't love me if...". They believe they've got to live up to some level of perfection in order for God to help them.

I don't have more faith than I did before sobriety. In fact, I have less than ever before. The faith I do have is a different kind.

I used to believe all sorts of things about God. I had faith he would do all sorts of things.

Today, I trust he'll do with me what he wants. I believe he'll keep me in fit spiritual condition if I continue to seek him.

Selfish Objections

2005-12-31T01:48:00.000-06:00

One of the main objectives of the twelve step way of life is eliminating selfishness. This is also a major point of contention for many people I speak with. They say I'm advocating self-neglect, co-dependency or "losing oneself in doing for others". That's certainly not what the Big Book is talking about.

I think that most of the objections arise through an insufficient definition of the word selfish.

Merriam-Webster defines selfish this way: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.

Being excessively concerned with yourself is harmful isn't it? Excessive anything is usually harmful. Who would argue that being interested exclusively in yourself is harmful, if not abusive - especially to children, wives, etc.?

And here's perhaps the best way of determining if you're selfish: do you care if others are hurt or neglected by your self-interest and self-serving actions?

I lived my life without regard for others. Before even taking a day off from people and phones to celebrate life and recharge my batteries, I now find myself thinking through how my absence will affect others. My life is now lived on a different basis.

That doesn't mean that I don't take care of myself. I certainly do - and more than I ever have in my life. If it really is my job to be the "good Samaritan" every day, I need enough resources to do it. I can't neglect myself. Whenever I do, I become as ineffective as when I was primarily interested in myself.

The Big Book says that it's now my job to be of maximum usefulness to others - that can only happen when I'm truly caring for myself.

Time: Then and Now (part two)

2005-12-18T13:57:00.000-06:00

Six weeks after Time: Then and Now, I found that it's so easy to revert to previous attitudes and actions.

Applying the twelve steps to my personal productivity provides a sense of ease and peace; my entire day is purposeful; things don't go undone. It's the twelfth step in action - the way we're supposed to live.

As the Big Book tells us, it's easy to let up on this spritual program of action and rest on our laurels. In terms of personal productivity, that's exactly what I'd been doing since mid-November. I was busy, even productive, but I did not have the ability to relax and take it easy as the Big Book instructs us.

These last weeks, I've come back around to it. I'm learning how important it is to emotional sobriety to apply the twelve steps even in the most mundane, everyday tasks.

I Thought I Knew Everything Too

2005-10-23T07:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I spoke to a man who had six months of renewed sobriety. He was many years sober before his relapse. He expressed frustration with God, his spirituality and religion.

I asked him a leading question to find out if it was appropriate to talk to him about the "Set Aside Prayer". It was a simple "Yes" or "No" question, but he took the next ten minutes answering it, apparently stalled on step two.

He then asked me my sobriety date and proceeded to tell me that when he had the time I have he thought he knew everything "too". Without becoming defensive, I answered, "All I have today is this: I have conceded to my innermost self that I am, indeed, powerless; I don't believe everything I find in our books, but I know that this program of action has worked for me; through step three I am able to submit to this program in its entirety, including those things I don't agree with; that enables me to practice all these principles in all my affairs; I do what's in front of me and God takes care of the rest." (or something like that).

There's a lot I don't know.

Yes, I can quote the books to some degree. Yes, I can tell you what page this or that is on. That just means I've read the literature. I've had to replace my books several times because I've lived in them so much.

Still, all I have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual experience, letting the Spiritual Physician worry about my condition, pointing out where I need work. I am thoroughly dependent upon God, not my knowledge of the program.

To maintain my spiritual experience, one of the most important things I do is work with others. This is of the utmost importance. I can't keep what I don't give away.

Instead of letting the man's comment get to me, I used it as an opportunity to share the message with those who were sitting with us.

I haven't given up on sharing the "Set Aside Prayer" with him at some point in the future.

A Prayer Upon Awakening (Revised)

2005-09-29T09:33:00.000-05:00

God, direct my thinking as I consider my plans for today. Show me what I can do for those who are still suffering.

Through the day, let all my thoughts be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Continually show me the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.

When I face indecision, please remind me to ask you for inspiration: an intuitive thought or decision. Help me to surrender and not struggle, to relax and take it easy.

Make clear to me absurd actions and ideas I may encounter when I presume unceasing inspiration.

Through the day, please show me what my next step is to be. Please provide whatever I need.

I ask especially for freedom from self-will, that I never make a request for myself only. Let me make requests only if others will be helped.

Thank you, my God, for your guidance and help.

Originally, I wrote this prayer based solely on pages 86 and 87 of the Big Book. I've changed it to include other morning petitions that are listed elsewhere in the book. Yes, I wrote this. Feel free to print it out for yourself, but please don't post it elsewhere without contacting me for permission. It is protected under international copyright law.

Time: Then and Now

2005-09-29T07:47:00.000-05:00

Not quite a month since Quiet Times for Sale, things are much different. Eventhough I'm still powerless over time and certainly powerless over managing my own life (or anyone else's for that matter), I'm finding that applying the steps to this area of my life has been indispensable.

I have often lived under an amorphous cloud of everything I had left to do. I have surrendered this area of my life, am receiving daily divine guidance in this area, continue to share this experience with others (at this moment, in fact) and am making restitution where possible. As a result, I'm accomplishing more than I ever have and am peaceful, not overworked.

I'm looking forward to continuing this journey. I must be careful, however. I have always believed that if I could just "accomplish" everything I planned, that everything would be perfect and I would at last be truly happy. That's just not so. I became truly happy while experiencing the miracle of being saved from spiritual, physical and emotional death. I became truly happy when I stopped living as a zombie (alive physically, but unanimated from within), came to know myself, came to know my God and began to truly live.

Yes, I've been happy even with that amorphous cloud hanging over me. That I get to live a more productive and more peaceful life without it is just a bonus.

Quiet Times For Sale

2005-08-31T06:17:00.000-05:00

If you do enough web searches, you'll run across some interesting text ads. Writing this post, I tried to find out if "quiet time" is hyphenated. The search produced this ad:

Quiet Times for Sale
Low Priced Quiet Times.
Huge Selection! (aff)

Tempting offer...

I concede to my innermost self that I'm powerless over time.

Even after receiving loving guidance for my day, the plan often falls apart by midday and I resort to "do I go here?", "what do I do next?". Maybe I should refer to my HP as "Higher Patience".

Among my time-difficulties, I don't write my personal spiritual appointments down. I'll write in a sponsee appointment. I'll write in my meetings for the whole year. Quiet time for prayer, reading and meditation? I'll schedule something in that slot in a breath. I'm not doing anything then, right?

Among my corrections for this error in my ways, I'm going to start writing in time to work on this blog.

"...praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

Daily Prayer of Watching

2005-04-15T09:02:00.000-05:00

God, help me to grow in understanding and effectiveness today.

Please show me selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear wherever they appear in my life.

When these manifest, grant me the willingness to have them removed and remind me to ask for your grace which removes them.

Please now remove my timidity in sharing these things with others. Work a forgiving and humble spirit in me that I may make amends quickly, bringing only my wrongs.

Continually turn my thoughts to someone I can help.

Let love and tolerance of others be a guiding principle of all my actions.

I ask these things, not only that I may be helped, but that others will be helped by your power working through me.

(by Daniel K., based on pg. 84 of the Big Book)

Yes, I wrote this. Feel free to print it out for yourself, but please don't post it elsewhere without contacting me for permission. It is protected under international copyright law.

Tenth Step Promises

2005-03-18T09:31:00.000-06:00

"And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. " - AA Big Book, from Into Action, pgs. 84 & 85. (pdf)

Willingness, Honesty and Open Mindedness

2005-03-07T09:13:00.000-06:00

This morning, I was contemplating the essentials of recovery: Honesty, Open Mindedness and Willingness (HOW, for mnemonic purposes).

"Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts. He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial.
We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable." - AA Big Book, from Spiritual Experience

It occurred to me that each of the steps can be broken down according to these principles. For example:

Step One:

Honesty: When I honestly look at my life, am I powerless over _______? (Fill in the blank with alcohol, et al.) When I honestly look at my ability to manage life, is it manageable?
Open Mindedness: Can I be open-minded about this concept of being powerless over _______? Can I be open-minded about this concept of the unmanageability of my life?
Willingness: Am I willing to admit that I'm powerless over _______? Am I willing to admit that my life has become unmanageable?

You will most likely find other (better?) questions to fill out each of the steps. This is only the beginning of this line of thought for me. I'd love to hear any insights you may have.

Analog or Digital?

2005-02-06T11:51:00.000-06:00

I've heard it said that if you're still wearing a watch, you haven't hit bottom yet. I haven't worn one since 1992, but I still reference my wrist when talking about the time. I have a clock on my cell phone, but I've been thinking about buying a watch.

Reason #1: There's a certain pride I hold in not being "bound to time". I see others with their watches strapped to their wrist, alarms going off in meetings and movies, and just smirk. I'm better than that. Of course, I check my cell phone how many times a day.

Reason #2: Watches look good. They're a piece of jewelry. I don't wear jewelry, so a watch would add a little sparkle to my wardrobe.

Reason #3: I'd be more responsible while shopping. Book and music stores beware! If I enter your store, I will not emerge for two or more hours! (The longer I stay, the less likely I am to buy something.)

Except for personal preference (which might be changing) I have no good reason to not buy one, but analog or digital?

I like analog watches. There's something sentimental in me that loves the look and feel, though I miss the ticking these days. That second hand ticks around and gives you the feeling that time is advancing. We're not standing still. Life is going somewhere.

I like digital watches. Beside being easy to read (usually), many feature multiple alarms that would provide me with reminders. My memory is terrible. I spend most of my effort in a day remembering what I have to do next.

After considering this for a moment, I have realized that perhaps the most important feature of a digital watch is that it reminds me of this present moment. While the clock reads 12:12pm (the current time), I am in this minute. I don't have the sweeping second hand to lure me into the next moment; it's just now. I need more moments where I can be reminded that this moment is all I have.

Digital it is. Now if they'd just make those digital watches tick.

It's So Easy

2005-01-31T09:56:00.000-06:00

The Big Book editing squad has been up to mischeif again. You see, until the other day, the following passage from page 85 read:

"Be careful not to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on your laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee — Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will."

Now it reads:

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee — Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will."

Just to be sure it wasn't just my Big Book, I checked a couple other people's books as well. The same changes were made. Even the pdf version on the AA site has the new version. I'm telling you, men and/or women sneak into homes all the time to make changes to this thing. Beware. ;)

So they're trying to tell me that it's EASY to let up on the spiritual program of action. Unfortunately, I have no laurels to rest on. I can't magically extract spirituality from July 2, 2002 or April, 2003 or August 21, 2004. I've tried and failed.

I can't be lazy or take a spiritual holiday and expect to stay on an even keel. My mind drifts toward insanity too easily. Today is a day I have to carry the vision of God's will into activity (action!), praying "Thy will be done" as often as I might.

Quick options: Stay connected or die. Hmm. Which to choose?

A Prayer Upon Awakening

2005-01-05T08:23:00.000-06:00

God, direct my thinking as I consider my plans for today. Let all my thoughts be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.

When I face indecision, please remind me to ask you for inspiration: an intuitive thought or decision. Help me to surrender and not struggle, to relax and take it easy.

Make clear to me absurd actions and ideas I may encounter when I presume unceasing inspiration.

Through the day, please show me what my next step is to be. Please provide whatever I need.

I ask especially for freedom from self-will, that I never make a request for myself only. Let me make requests only if others will be helped.

Thank you, my God, for your guidance and help.

(A Prayer Upon Awakening, by Daniel K.,
adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous pgs. 86-87)

This is the original "A Prayer Upon Awakening" prayer based solely on pages 86 and 87 of the Big Book. I've since revised it to include other morning petitions that are listed elsewhere in the book. Yes, I wrote this. Feel free to print it out for yourself, but please don't post it elsewhere without contacting me for permission. It is protected under international copyright law.

Running Together

2004-12-22T23:57:00.000-06:00

The day I turned 30, an 80-something woman told me that the twenties last forever and the thirties fly. She was wrong. I barely remember my twenties. I remember more about being 1 than being 28 or 29. From 19 to 32 is a blur.

Since then, everything runs so slowly. People remark how quickly time goes by and I remark, "It does?".

That hasn't reversed itself, but it's different now. I feel like the weeks are running together. Everything has become so routine, I don't remember which week is which. Summer feels like much longer than three months ago, but I can't tell which week is what.

It's the same with my adversities. So many of them seem unchanged. I don't see progress in so many areas of my life. Should I expect progress or should I expect a leveling of life? Should I just be content with what I have?

Maybe I ask too many questions, but (I believe) this is a part of our inventory process. I must ask these questions to have an accurate accounting for what this business of my life is accomplishing.

My life is progressing - spiritually, intellectually and emotionally. I'm taking better care of my body. My sponsees are progressing. I'm happier, more joyous and more free. Hmmm.

Maybe my adversities don't need to change if I do.

God's Agent

2004-10-20T01:46:00.000-05:00

The only kind of agent I ever wanted to be was a secret agent. I'd like to think I got over that at nine years old, but I didn't - not really. The truth is, I lived my life as a secret agent for the "cult of me" - a post for another day.

"This is the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most Good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. ¶When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed."

I'm growing in awareness concerning this central fact of my life: When I turned my will and life over to the care of God, I became His agent. Today, I can no longer live for my own personal ambitions. I can no longer seek the spotlight or the moneybin.

So many events in my life might (more logically) have ended in death, I can clearly see that some Divine hand was protecting. Not so I could spend my spared life on selfish pleasures that I would never have had, but so that I can now live according to God's plans. Whether I refill someone's coffee or spend three hours helping someone close to suicide. I live in service as God's agent.

That said, my world doesn't fully represent that. I selfishly horde too much stuff. I spend money selfishly on fast food, movies and other pleasures that aren't within God's direct leading. In fact, the leading is often the direct opposite. God give me the willingness to be willing to change.

I continue to grow in awareness to my purpose and mission. That's a change in itself. And I feel that I am growing in understanding and effectiveness. I shouldn't give a moment to despair.

Over-Serious Anonymous

2004-10-12T13:39:00.000-05:00

1. We admitted that we were powerless over seriousness -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that only by lightening up could we achieve a state of non-seriousness.

3. Made a decision to turn our constant self-criticism over to our sense of humor and learn to "lovingly and wholeheartedly" laugh at ourselves.

4. Decided to give ourselves a break once in a while, instead of constantly doing searching and fearless moral inventories of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being that our wrongs were often in our heads.

6. Were entirely ready to accept that our characters were as good as anybody else's and possibly better than most.

7. Quit harping on our shortcomings.

8. Made of list of all persons we thought we had harmed and saw that they'd forgotten all the crap we'd blown out of proportion.

9. Quit making amends for breathing air and taking up a few square feet of the planet's surface.

10. Resigned ourselves to the fact we were going to criticize ourselves at times, but would try to stick to our guns when we knew we were right.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to calm down and realize we're not responsible for everything.

12. Having experienced immense relief from these steps, we would try to carry this message to other over-serious people and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.

Author unknown. Shared tongue-in-cheek. Don't take this too seriously ...er.

A Tale of Two Houses

2004-10-10T09:53:00.000-05:00

The other night I was watching a documentary on this summer's hurricanes. One man described the terror he experienced as Ivan stormed against his house. He thought he wasn't going to make it through the night. By some miracle he made it.

Another man, seeing that he lived in a hurricane-prone area, had built a hurricane-proof house. Instead of living through the storm in terror, the man was secure and serene inside his house. He had video of what it was like inside the house during the storm. The power was out and he was using a flashlight to put a pail down to catch a small leak.

The next day, all of the other houses were unlivable. The man who lived the night in terror resolutely worked at putting everything back together again. The man who spent the night in his hurricane-proof house, went for a long walk - moved by the devastation. He could help others, but who? Thousands of houses were devastated. Perhaps his time is best spent showing others his house and helping to build hurricane-proof houses of their own.

The Pathway to Peace

2004-10-05T11:01:00.000-05:00

This passed week has brought the theme of "accepting hardships as the pathway to peace". There was an unusual concentration of information about pruning, spiritual disciplines and the like in my spiritual readings. Today's meditation in "Daily Reflections" echoed this topic again.

This theme was especially appropriate during my sickness this weekend. I don't understand how pain and hardship help us any more than an apple tree knows why it's branches are cut back. In the midst of the chills, the sweats, the aching muscles, I renewed my request that my God be my spouse until He might lead someone else to fill that role. I needed the comfort.

I am comforted still.

But-watching

2004-10-05T10:30:00.000-05:00

I watch buts carefully. The word but often points to the most weighted part of a sentence:

I started eating the peach

but it was moldy

I want to live on a spiritual basis

but I'm starting to think God is against me

But-watching is a handy tool whether paying attention to your own words or the words of someone you're working with.

But-making: Try adding a "but" clause to the end of any sentence. "I like jogging." becomes "I like jogging, but not first thing in the morning." "I am focused on the seventh step today." becomes "I am focused on the seventh step today, but..."

Try to fill it in: "I want to go to that movie, but..." "My daughter is old enough to date, but..." "I don't take calls at 2am, but..."

My own experience is that I start exposing resentment, fear, dishonesty and selfishness. What do you come up with?

First of All

2004-10-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

It's best to begin a new blog with some basic information about what I think about things. Mostly just to set the record straight.

When it comes to 12 step recovery, there is one standard I live by, the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous. After that, please follow whatever literature your program offers. Next, do what your sponsor says.

(If you don't have a sponsor, get one. If you don't have anyone in your area who can sponsor you, write me and I'll do my best to get you hooked up.)

Then, after you have those things in place and you are already living on a spiritual basis, it should be ok to read whatever other 12 step literature available. Not all of it is good. Not all of it is based on the "Big Book" - which I don't understand, but I got over it a while ago.

My writings are not the final word on anything. In fact, you might disagree with some things completely. You might have a Big Book passage ready to beat me with. That's fine. Feel free to write. I'll write back if you're polite and patient. I might even change my mind on the matter. I might not.

Thank you for your interest and support.